Tammy Wynette And The Intricate Art of Illusion
by Hortense J. McPseudonymous
Summary: Co-authored with Spaceowl The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants is not a nurturing environment.


It's always so awkward running into ex-Avengers. Or rather, in this instance, being run into by one. Cap was trying valiantly to make it less awkward this time. For the boy's sake.

He was failing. "You look," he said, then stopped. Quicksilver was rail thinner than usual, his eyes harried and his hair limp. He looked hunted. "So, how's being evil again working out for you? Your father's... treating you well?"

"Great," Quicksilver said. His fingers tapped on the shopping cart's handle. "Golden. Couldn't be better. Treating each other like brothers. We're even called the Brotherhood, am I right?" He gave a strained, frantic little laugh. "Magnetism! Ha!"

Cap cringed before casually perusing the contents of Quicksilver's shopping cart. Pop Rocks, Pop-Tarts, Astro Pops, Pizza Pops and Pepsi. "Having a party?"

Quicksilver's eyes flicked to the cart, then back to the Captain. "No," he said flatly.

"Starting up an evil army?" Cap pressed. Although, any evil army would run for about a day on that junk.

"Listen," said Pietro as his foot tapped out a symphony on the tiled grocery store floor. "I kind of have a... thing. A, sure, an evil thing, or a non-evil thing, depending on how you look at it, to go do. And these," he waved a few white envelopes, "are set to expire yesterday. So I have to go _now_."

Cap honestly wondered where the envelopes had been hiding in that body-sock of a costume. "Ah, right. Didn't mean to keep you, son. Just wanted to catch up." He considered giving a companionable slap to the boy's shoulder, but wondered if he might collapse right there.

He settled for a handshake, but Quicksilver was so eager to leave that he all but threw the envelopes to the ground to take Cap's hand. "Right! Haha, catching up. I would say something along the lines of, 'that's my specialty!' but I kind of have to... run." Quicksilver gave a strained grin.

Cap bent down to help pick up some of the envelopes Quicksilver had dropped and handed them over to him politely. Quicksilver snatched them up, smiling tightly, then grabbed the grocery bags the cashier had packed. Cap bent down one final time to grab another white envelope he'd seen sticking out from under the now-empty shopping cart. When he straightened up, Quicksilver was gone.

A wad of bills was sitting in front of the now dismayed cashier, who was holding one last forgotten grocery bag filled to the brim with green apple Push-Pops. Cap sighed, loading his own bundles of carrots, fresh whole-grain bread, and greens onto the conveyor belt. He'd leave the envelope with... did Quicksilver have any friends? He thought it over as he paid for the food, re-reading the address behind the envelope's little plastic window.

Magneto, Master of Magnetism  
Brotherhood of Evil Mutants Corp.  
Antarctica, Middle of

"Ah," Cap said with a bright grin of realization. "It's a lair. Oh, Magneto. Don't go changing."

Cap frowned, then, concerned. This was from the gas company, that was obvious enough. But the bill was due yesterday? Maybe that was some new lingo, but it didn't seem like something to leave to chance.

xxx

"So then I went and paid the bill. I mean, the place is in _Antarctica_, for golly's sake."

"Uh-huh. Say, would you mind getting out of the way of my porn?"

Cap glanced over his shoulder at the television screen and recoiled violently at what he saw there.

"Thanks," Tony said.

"So, anyways, at least now I know they won't be freezing to death down there, but I'm still wondering whether we shouldn't, you know, go down there and check up on them."

Tony glanced up at him. "Uh-huh. I'll have to jump in here and admit that I have really not been listening to you, like, at _all_. Check up on whom?"

Captain America sighed. "I was saying I ran into that Maximoff kid earlier and-"

Tony's eyes lit up. "Wanda?"

"No. The boy. Whatsisname. With the weird hair. He...he didn't look too good."

"Not as good as Wanda."

"So you agree, we should check up on them?"

"Definitely," said Tony, draining his glass and getting to his feet. "You're driving, right?"

xxx

And so Captain America and Iron Man found themselves trudging across Antarctica carrying two extra large pizzas with extra green peppers in an insulated box.

"What kind of entrance do you figure we're looking for here?" Cap wondered, scanning his surroundings-white and more white where Tony's lights illuminated it; pitch black elsewhere.

Tony pondered. "I'm not sure, I mean I'm inclined to say 'creepy crevasse lined with torches', but 'bizarrely out-of-place castle' is still not entirely out of the-"

Conversation ceased as suddenly, out of the darkness, a hulking shapeless figure lurched heavily into view, clad in what appeared to be a parka made out of numerous smaller parkas.

The two Avengers immediately adopted a defensive stance, but the figure showed no inclination to attack. Two glassy eyes stared down at the pair uncomprehendingly.

Cap cleared his throat. "Hey there, Blob, old buddy. How's it going?"

An awkward pause ensued.

"I am just g-g-going outside," the huge man said eventually. "I may be some t-t-time."

"Would-would you like some pizza?" Cap asked hesitantly, but the beparkaed behemoth was already walking away from them.

"So. Thataway," Tony said, turning to retrace the Blob's heavy footsteps.

Sure enough, a few moments later the crunch of old cold snow beneath their boots suddenly changed to a hollow metallic sound. Cap looked down. He was standing upon a large steel hatch upon which the words _B.O.E.M. LIAR NO HUMANS ALOUD_ had been scrawled in purple paint.

"That's probably it," said Tony.

Cap braced himself and prepared to rap upon the hatch, but just then it flew open and a small stooped wad of wool sprang adroitly out.

"C-c-come back, Toad," a weak voice called from somewhere in the depths below. "I th-th-think the heat's back on."

"Fuck that noise," the little man hissed over his shoulder, before hopping off into the perpetual night with nary a glance in their direction.

_-by your man_, sang a woman's tinny voice from out of the unseen depths. Tony cocked an ear. "Tammy Wynette." He paled. "Jesus. Must be bad down there."

"You f-f-forgot to close the hatch," the voice groused as Cap dropped down into the darkness to land heavily in front of Quicksilver, who stood with a box of Pop Rocks in one shaking hand and a bottle of Pepsi in the other.

"Oh, sh-shit," Quicksilver said.

"We're not here to fight," said Cap, slowly setting his shield down on the cold sheet metal floor and raising his hands in a conciliatory gesture.

Quicksilver shivered and glowered. "Well in that case, get the f-"

"We brought pizza," Tony interrupted.

Quicksilver looked conflicted for the briefest of moments before stepping aside. "Come on in," he said. "Wipe your feet."

As the trio proceeded further down via a lavishly embellished wrought iron spiral staircase, Cap looked around warily, his eyes slowly adjusting to the gloom. The huge room into which they descended was crowded with expensive furniture (and the shattered remains of expensive furniture) and incomprehensible machinery (and the twisted remains of incomprehensible machinery). Several dinner services worth of silverware jutted at random angry angles from the high ceiling and the dark-panelled walls. Cap tugged experimentally at a nearby fork. It was driven in deep. "Were you attacked?" he asked.

"Hah! Good one!" Pietro laughed. It sounded rather forced. Cap regarded him quizzically. "Um. No." He glanced around nervously. "Shall we adjourn to the salon? It's just that I left Wanda alone back there."

Cap nodded, and Pietro turned and made his way toward an arch on the far side of the room. Following his lead, the two Avengers picked their way carefully across a luxurious carpet littered with smashed glass and filthy fine china.

The salon, when they reached it, turned out to be a slightly smaller but similarly...furnished?-room. There was a bar off to one side, and on the far wall a dark corridor down which Tammy Wynette emanated sadly. And Mastermind had Wanda backed into a corner. "My dear, don't you see, it's imperative that we conserve our body heat," he was murmuring as they entered.

"Pietro!" Wanda exclaimed happily.

Mastermind spun to scowl at the boy, but recoiled violently upon seeing the two visitors standing behind him. "I'll, ah, I'll go let the Master know we have company, shall I?"

Cap sighed. "Listen, Mastermind, we're not here to f-wow, he's almost as fast as you, Pietro."

"Only in reverse," Pietro sneered. "Anyways, don't worry, no way does he have the nerve to knock on that door."

With a worried glance down the shadowed corridor, Cap pulled the pizzas out of the insulated box and set them down on the gleaming mahogany bar counter-the only surface, horizontal or otherwise, not strewn or studded with debris. He opened the top box, and the twins tore into the pizza like ravening hyenas.

"I like a girl with a healthy appetite," Tony said admiringly, and took a long lascivious sip of his martini. Cap blinked, somewhat taken aback to see that the man had somehow managed to seat himself next to Wanda at the bar-and acquire a martini-without him noticing.

"Mhm," replied Wanda, chewing enthusiastically.

"Mind if I freshen this?" Tony asked, draining the drink.

"Go ahead," Wanda said through another mouthful.

"You know, Tony," Cap admonished him, "depleting Magneto's grain alcohol reserves is probably not going to do a thing to improve his mood-"

As if on cue, the sound of a glass bottle smashing against a steel wall echoed down the corridor. Everyone twitched. Then the screaming began. "Mutants and humans working together, bluh bluh bluh, a peaceful resolution is the best solution, bleh bleh bleh. Well fuck you too, _Charles!_"

Then just soft sobbing, gradually fading. The twins chewed, their faces tense but impassive.

There was a brief silence, and then _Stand By Your Man_ started up again.

"Um," said Cap.

"Screw that guy, I'm having another drink," Tony said. "Anyone else?" He waggled an eyebrow. "Wanda?" He patted her thigh. "I make a mean Pink Squirrel." Pietro scowled around his half-eaten fifth slice.

Wanda declined the offer demurely. "But don't worry, Mr. Stark, we always have plenty of booze! Our liquor cabinet is constantly restocked by the miraculous power of magnetism!" She furrowed her brow thoughtfully. "Or it could be by the miraculous hex power I possess..."

"Or it could be the miraculous power of Quicksilver's miraculous fake ID," Pietro muttered sourly.

Tony grinned. "Fake ID, eh? You reprehensible little rapscallion you. Boy, when I was your age-" The grin faded slightly. "Say, aren't you two twins? What are you, Pietro, like-twenty? Twenty and a half?"

"Sixteen," said Pietro. Tony's hand departed from Wanda's thigh as though some powerful repulsion mechanism had suddenly been engaged.

Wanda nodded. "Magneto took us from, um, Romania-it was Romania, right?" She looked to Pietro for confirmation. Pietro shrugged. "So yeah, he, um, rescued us when we were like, twelve." She frowned. "They were trying to burn me at the stake. Again."

"They were trying to burn _us _at the stake", Pietro corrected her firmly. They burn one of them at the stake, they burn all of them at the stake. That was how the twins rolled.

xxx

Some time later the pizza was gone, and Tony was well on his way. "This song has _depths_, man, you know?" he was saying sincerely to no-one whatsoever as Ms. Wynette extolled the virtues of steadfastness for the umpteenth time. Cap envied him. It was agonizing to be the sober, responsible one and try to make small talk when one felt obliged to avoid bringing up the mutant problem, or supervillains, or World War II. And the twins didn't know _anything_ about sports.

Frankly, it was a relief when Mastermind slunk back in from out of the shadows, although said relief was somewhat mitigated by the fact that he no longer appeared to be wearing pants. "Hey Wanda-" he said.

"Oh, great," said Pietro.

Tony arched an eyebrow. "If I'd known this was going to be that kind of party-"

Mastermind spun toward him, scowling. "You two still here?" he huffed irritably. "Fine, whatever. Enjoy." He wiggled his fingers theatrically, and then Tony was tumbling backward off his barstool in his frantic rush to get away from the polar bear. Simultaneously, a host of penguins descend upon Captain America with fishthirsty squawks. Pietro shrieked loudly as Iron Man landed on him.

"We're not here to fight!" Cap screamed, beating frantically at the phantom fowl.

Mastermind skirted the chaos disdainfully. "So, Wanda, as I was saying _vis a vis_ conservation of body heat..."

Wanda whimpered softly.

Whereupon there immediately followed the alarmingly sudden cessation of Tammy Wynette.

"Fudge," said Captain America as the Mutant Master of Magnetism entered the salon, wearing a snot-stained red turtleneck and purple sweatpants. One kind of had to admire the fact that even in this state Magneto stood steadfastly by his colour co-ordination convictions, the way that his man had clearly not stood by him.

Magneto pointed at Mastermind. "Get ze fuck away from ze children," he slurred.

"Huh," said Tony, getting cautiously back to his feet as the polar bear dissipated. "Magneto's German." He turned to Captain America. "Did we know Magneto was German?"

"He could be Swiss," said Captain America nervously.

"I, ah," said Mastermind.

A stainless steel cocktail shaker caromed off his forehead. "I said, get ze fuck away from ze children."

"That is definitely German," Tony said, delighted. "Oh man. I speak German."

"It's not German, Tony," Cap said quietly. "It's a German _accent_." Magneto spun and glared at him for a long moment, before turning to address Quicksilver.

"For your sake," Magneto said to the boy, "I'm going to assume that the sight of two Avengers sitting comfortably in my new lair's innermost sanctum is merely a hallucination conjured up by the heartbroken psyche of a possibly slightly intoxicated man." He pointed at Quicksilver. "For your sake," he repeated. "I am going to leave the room now. And when I come back in five minutes, and the hallucination is gone, we will resume this discussion." He spun on his heel and stomped back into the shadows. "Stand by dein Mann," he sang. "Und der Welt zeigen, du liebst ihn..."

Tony turned to affix Cap with a steady (all things considered) gaze.

"Okay, that actually was German," admitted Cap.

"Damn I'm awesome," Tony said.

"Please leave," said Pietro, anxiously.

"Of course. But listen-if you ever-" Cap reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a card. Upon it a brightly red white and blue Captain America grinned cheerfully at the reader. "Avengers Kids Help Phone," it said. "You are not alone!" And a long string of digits.

"So-yeah." Cap handed the card to Pietro.

"Please leave," said Pietro again.

Just as they were approaching the hatch, it opened, and Blob dropped heavily down through it. The steel plate floor resounded. "Jesus Aitch _Christ_ is it cold out there," he snarled. "Hey, the heat's back on." He looked at Cap. "Any pizza left?"

"Sorry," said Cap.

Toad peeked out from deep within the folds of the parkaplex. "Then begone, human scum," he snarled.

They left.

xxx

"I think that went well," said Cap later, reclining on Tony's luxurious leather sofa. His mug of hot chocolate was a bit too warm, cradled in his hands, but he took a sip and it was perfect.

Tony nodded, and the pride was evident in both of their eyes. Cap set down his mug and Tony lifted a small intricately decorated china dish. "More marshmallows?"

Cap smiled gratefully. "I'd love some."

They had really helped, he realized. Probably more than the twins could understand. It was little moments, Cap thought with a contented sigh, that changed things for the better. Single instances could change someone's life, would never be forgotten.

xxx

Quicksilver gnaws unenthusiastically at the corner of his cold Pop-Tart. He'd got up this morning-or evening, or whatever it was-to find the toaster rendered inoperative.

And the salon.

So they're in the kitchen now. Quicksilver slumps uncomfortably on the bright purple wraparound bench in the blood-red breakfast nook, hemmed in by Toad and Mastermind. Wanda is at the stove, because she wanted to show Daddy how she can make metal things into different metal things now. Use different powers to similar ends.

She makes a perfect little metal unicorn. Magneto applauds and then sips at his mug of Scotch.

Cold Pop-Tarts are truly disgusting.

Mastermind slithers closer, wrapping one arm around Pietro's shoulders casually.

Wanda makes a flock of pterodactyls out of the front right burner, and Magneto amiably, drunkenly flies them around. Below them the unicorn dances.

Quicksilver watches the stove being slowly magically unmade_. God damn it_. _We'd just got the gas on_. But Wanda looks so happy, showing off to Daddy with her metal menagerie.

Mastermind leans in to rest his sharp chin on the boy's bony shoulder. He reads the card in Quicksilver's hand aloud. "You are not alone." Mastermind grins. Pietro shudders in revulsion.

He looks at the card one last time before flicking it away, past lovely, smiling Wanda and her hundred small figurines, all for Daddy. Past Daddy, gazing drunkenly about himself like he's in a beautiful bubble.

The card lands on the now exposed pilot light of the vanishing stove, and burns.

"Yes I am," Quicksilver says.


End file.
